Burn out.

It seems like it has been a long time since I last felt it. Because in the past 5 years, I’ve become more capable of understanding myself. Know exactly when my body needs rest, when I still have energy, when it’s time to socialize, and when it’s time to enjoy my own company.

But in 2023, it’s the year I planned as a defining moment for my life plans for the next 10 years. I need to ensure that all my business units thrive this year so that I can take a moment to continue my studies. So, I’ve been using my hyper-focused mode and continuously pushing forward, forgetting to hit the brakes.

In early June, I became aware that my shoulders and back were hurting every day. But because I was in hyper-focused mode, I didn’t consider taking a break. I exercised, thinking my body needed it.

Maybe it did, but it seems like what I really needed was rest.

Especially because June is the mid-year evaluation month, right? So, my mind is full. In addition, I have to organize several travel plans for this year that need to be done. And on top of that, there are surprises from new ideas and crazy collaborations that sometimes make me sigh and recite the mantra “Enough YASMINA, focus first!”

Suddenly, I received an amazing opportunity from UN Women and Seedstars to be part of the Asia Pacific care business accelerator program. Only 13 entrepreneurs were selected, and I must go to Malaysia for a seminar on the care business in mid-June. It’s great news that came out of the blue for me. I’m very grateful, but it turns out I’m overwhelmed.

Not long after that, Poe also mentioned that by the end of June, we must go to Solo because there is a cousin’s wedding, and in early July, we will definitely go to Melbourne for 2 weeks.

Can you imagine what a mess is going on in my head?

Just writing about it makes me feel nauseous.

Ever since I started learning to understand myself and my body’s needs, I’ve always been able to schedule based on my capacity and the need for rest. Yes, I still have trouble falling asleep quickly. But it’s not always for work; usually, when I’m very tired, I take the opportunity to read a book and relax in dim lighting. So, my body is already in rest mode.

But yesterday, with all the agendas and overwhelming workload, I didn’t even have a chance to digest one thing at a time. I immediately switched to autopilot mode and tried to handle everything well.

Is everything done? Yes, everything is done. But what’s not right is my condition.

Every plan and execution can be carried out well, even though I collapsed in Malaysia.

Sudden Asthma Attack.

I learned a lot about trauma from knowledgeable people through online classes, books, and various resources. It feels like self-medication because I discovered that asthma and allergies are closely related to various psychological issues, including trauma.

As I learned more about it, I feel like I’m getting to know myself better. Because it feels like, “Oh, this is the real problem!” So, all the medications I’ve been taking and the therapies I’ve undergone since childhood seem to have been in vain.

Why suddenly talk about asthma? It’s because I suddenly had an asthma attack while I was in Malaysia. After years of not having any issues, it just came back out of nowhere. It was quite surprising, but hey, that’s life.

Even though I was only there for 4 days, maybe there was just too much going on in my head, and I was traveling alone for the first time since having a child. Even though I used to go everywhere by myself way before I have children. So, there was asthma, fever, and being alone with a super hectic schedule.

I felt like I wasn’t functioning properly, couldn’t think, and my energy was completely drained. Walking was even more difficult. It was a mess. I could still push through, but it felt like I was only operating at 30% of my energy. I know I can’t expect understanding from anyone because no one should be expected to understand what I’m feeling, and it’s not anyone’s fault.

I realize that it’s not anyone’s fault. Not mine, not the sudden event’s fault, and no one is at fault here. It’s just something that can happen to anyone at any time, and it can’t be avoided. So, it’s okay, I know what I need is rest. As much as possible, I try to utilize any free time I have, to sleep.

In Malaysia, because it was an accelerator program, I had to socialize. With limited social energy, I often escaped to the restroom just to sit and take a deep breath. I had to talk to hundreds of people about my business, and it felt like explaining my mother’s death to mourners who came.

It feels like drowning in the sea with my feet tied to a heavy iron. Like being forced to breathe with a pillow over my face. Like being trapped in a small room. My head hurts, my whole body hurts, and I can’t breathe.

I tried to keep eating and drinking, taking vitamins, to have extra energy.

I continuously wash my face to stay awake. I try to keep inhaling and exhaling to help regulate myself. I accept what happened on those days, I have no regrets, and I admit that I am overwhelmed. I am experiencing burnout.

I know, eventually, I will be okay again. Although the process may take a while before I can think clearly again.

Unable to function.

Because after coming back from Malaysia, I was still reluctant to talk, reluctant to even look at the laptop or phone screen. Let alone posting on social media. I went to the office for 2 days, physically present but my mind was elsewhere. It was really difficult to concentrate and be myself as usual. On top of that, there was a UNESCO meeting, I had to pack for a trip to Solo and pack for a trip to Melbourne.

Finally, I called a massage therapist to come to my house, and she was surprised by how tense my body was. I tried to optimize rest at home as best as possible. On Eid al-Adha, I only went to my in-laws’ house briefly and spent the rest of the time just lounging around at home. I’m very grateful to have a husband and children who are well-connected with me. Because they can sense and see how I’m struggling with myself.

They know, I can’t meet other people right now. I’m having difficulty engaging in conversations. I’m going through something heavy because I can suddenly burst into tears and go blank. So, they’re always there to accompany me, help me prepare everything, hug me, and stroke my back. I don’t know what would have happened to me at that time if it weren’t for them.

The kind-hearted, sweet, and supportive colleagues at the office also sense something off inside me. So they don’t even ask me anything. Since I had finished most of my work before going to Malaysia, I only had to do a few simple tasks and assist with the event preparations that were already well-planned by the team lead.

I realized that God has been really good to me. Whatever happens to me, no matter how heavy it may be, from childhood until now, I’ve never been left to face it alone. I always have a support system that helps me stay calm and keep breathing.

That collapse mind was stayed from 20ish June, until I was able to think quite clearly when I set foot on Mount Buller, Victoria, Australia, on July 10th. That’s quite a journey, isn’t it?

In Solo, I stayed quiet and chose to make use of my free time by taking leisurely walks aimlessly with Abib. We talked, hugged, laughed, and rode a becak. The next day, we woke up early and took a becak to find breakfast. We ate fruits while squatting at the market. Laughing together.

The same goes for the two-week trip to Melbourne. Every day, we hugged each other. Every day, we enjoyed our journey without a strict itinerary. Of course, I still had some work to do, but it wasn’t anything heavy. Just visits a children’s disability expo and three daycares there for learning purposes.

The rest of the time, we played with animals, had coffee, ate, played in the snow, wandered around the city, sat down snacking while watching music performances, rolled on the grass, and chased birds. I was so detached that it became difficult for me to have conversations with my best friend, who was actually the reason I went to Melbourne. Yes, I went there to meet with her and her family, but it was challenging for me to have relaxed and casual conversations like before.

I apologize for my condition when I returned because I wasn’t in an optimal state. I’m sure she understood, and I promise myself that I owe it to her to enjoy leisure time together when I am fully functioning again.

How I Overcome Burnout

For me, daydreaming is crucial in maintaining my mental well-being. In Malaysia, at night, I would open the curtains and daydream while looking at the sky. The same goes in Melbourne, even in the cold weather, I still enjoyed spending 10-15 minutes alone on the balcony to daydream.

People with conditions like mine have constantly buzzing minds. The thoughts never stop. Often, they don’t match the body’s condition. It’s like my mind keeps pushing me to do something when my body is already asking for rest. So daydreaming helps me empty those noisy thoughts and rest my body.

Setting boundaries is also important in dealing with burnout. I know that I don’t want to talk. I don’t respond to anyone. I don’t want to have interactions with other people besides my significant others. So that’s what I do. I don’t force myself to do things I don’t want to do, just to maintain some level of functioning to be a good mother and leader.

Yes, boundaries are closely related to the ability to set priorities. It’s not too difficult for me, as I am stubborn and know exactly what I want. What’s difficult is to sit down and feel the feelings. I constantly try to find solutions, maximize my functionality, and make efforts to get back to normal.

But yes, as my psychologist says, “I feel you feeling me!” That’s what I must do. Feel the feelings, feel my feelings. It’s EXTREMELY CHALLENGING. That’s why, to do that, I just sit there, alone, and experience all those emotions. Sometimes it leads to crying, sometimes it brings me peace, and sometimes I fall asleep. But giving myself the chance every day to learn how to sit with those feelings slowly restores my functionality bit by bit.

39 years old

This trip to Melbourne, aside from visiting my friend, it’s also a birthday trip for Poe, me, and Ara, as all of us have birthdays in July. So, this trip is really special. I received a birthday gift of spending the whole day at Maru Koala and animal park because I requested to celebrate our birthdays together with Poe, Ara, Abib, and animals.

It feels great to spend the entire day there, sitting leisurely on the grass, staring at the duck-filled lake, enjoying the gentle breeze and tranquil atmosphere, embraced by the people I love the most on this Earth. I feel complete and learn that it is truly important, and often forgotten, to give our bodies the most important gift, which is nature.

Rest for me is not just sleeping, as I have trouble sleeping anyway. But it’s about being slow, giving my lungs fresh air, giving my eyes green landscapes and animals, embracing those I hold dear, and providing my back with a vast expanse of nature to nurture and enjoy.

At 39 years old, I have learned once again that…

The best way to overcome burnout is through things that God, has already given us: the universe, and family. It feels like being given an extra chance to breathe and live again.